I Have Missed Things And Kept Out Of Sight, But Other Girls Were Never Quite Like This
Dawn and Bob were married today. This was the first time I've actually met him; he seems like a nice guy, and you can see that they're truly, deeply in love with each other. So, in some respects it wasn't as hard as I thought, watching it happen, but it wasn't exactly easy either. I felt privileged to have been invited; I'm sure it's not common for ex's: boyfriends, husbands, lovers, get invited to the wedding, so I imagine it's indicative of a level of trust when it does happen, and I'm grateful and humbled to be found worthy of that degree of trust. And yet, while I'm truly happy for both of them, at the same time I can't help but acknowledge the tiny, selfish-sounding whisper deep down inside that taunts, "buddy, that could have been you."
As I was leaving, Dawn came up to me and asked if I was doing okay, as if, of all things on her wedding day she needs to be worrying about me. Of course I told her I was, and told her how beautiful she looked, because she did look beautiful, and that I was sorry we hadn't kept in better touch over the past few months. She rolled her eyes, "yeah, we've both been kind of busy, haven't we?" which is certainly an understatement. I reminded her that the wedding present I'd just delivered had originally been intended as a Christmas present, and later was repurposed to a birthday present. "I'll do better about that," she said and gave me a hug, which in hindsight was really what I needed at that moment.
So, here's to Dawn and Bob: may they share much happiness, peace and prosperity as they begin their new lives together.
Mille failte dhuit le d'bhreid, Fad do re gun robh thu slan. Mo ran la ithean dhuit is sith, Le d'mhaitheas is le d'ni bhi fas!
Just got off the phone with my friend Dawn, whose birthday is today, and she imparted a bit of, well, surprising news.
She's getting married in September.
Now, for those of you who don't know the history (all six out of ten of you): Dawn and I have been good friends for nearly 20 years. We dated for about five of those, lived together for four, I even proposed to her at one point.
So yeah, it's a bit of a shock.
I'm happy for her, truly I am. We wouldn't have remained friends this long, through all the changes in our relationship, if there wasn't the foundation of a genuine friendship and affection holding it together. All I've ever wanted for her was to be happy, and considering the rough turns her life has taken the past couple of years: losing one job, getting another she hated; her mother passing away - a year ago on Mothers Day of all days - after a long illness, if there's anyone who deserves some happiness in her life, it's Dawn.
I'm feeling a bit - I'm not sure exactly what. It's certainly not jealousy, not envy; even that feels like too strong of a word to describe it. (some I suppose would reverse the two, and consider envy the more destructive.) But, what's the next step down from that? Sadness? There's a little, yes, after all, at one time in my life I was hoping to be that "lucky guy" myself. But that too seems insufficiently vague. The French probably have a word for it - or the Germans. The Germans have words for all sorts of subtle, in-between-emotions emotions (we'd probably use more of them, except they're all 27 syllables long and require coughing up half a lung to pronounce correctly.)
The only thing that comes close I suppose is "ambivalence". I certainly feel a bit conflicted: happy-yet-sad, although definitely more the former than the latter.
It'll be a transition to be sure, no matter what you call it. For the longest time we've been the ones each of us would be the first to call or talk to when something good - or bad - occurred. Now, that's going to change, it has to change - and I guess that's where the "sad" part of the conflict comes in. It feels like a loss, a loss of some degree of intimacy with another person, one who's been an important part of my life for a long time.
Which is not to say we won't still be friends, of course. But I can't help but feel a sense of diminishment on the horizon. From here on out, I have to live with the knowledge that I won't be the first one to hear the news from her; and in the future, I'm afraid I'll be hesitant to be the one to share news WITH her, because, well, she has another life.
It's a hard transition to be downgraded from "best friend" to "friend". I'll get through it; I'm a pretty resilient guy.
But, it's still going to take some getting used to.
Well, here we are not even two full days into "aught-nine", and in the relatively short span of 39 hours I've already done the following:
1. Celebrated New Years with a bunch of friends 2. Enjoyed live performances by three of my favorite localmusicalacts 3. Attended a wedding 4. Seen people do terrible, terrible things with battery-powered Santas 5. Walked in the rain 6. Practiced guitar 7. Cleaned my office and updated all my files for 2009 8. Eaten BBQ, cheesecake, and "hoppin' John" (not all at once!) 9. Scheduled a tax seminar 10. Watched two episodes of "Eureka" 11. Done three loads of laundry
I was down at the theatre last night doing some prep work for Marquee II: This Time It's Personal (see last Sunday's entry below), when my friend Molly, who also happens to be in the show, stopped by to check her email on the company computer.
Now, Molly has become renowned in our fairly largish extended social circle as something of a genius when it comes to baking, and in particular she's developed a reputation for creating delicious wedding cakes. In preparation for a cake she was going to bake last night for a wedding this afternoon, she'd been doing some research to create a frosting that would match the coloring of some ribbons being used as part of the bride's entourage, I believe.
So, while we were chatting, she pulled out a small sandwich bag containing a gluey white substance - I had a pretty good idea what it was, but when she opened it and I got a good nose-full of the aroma, there was no question: evidently, Molly carries plastic baggies full of butter cream frosting around with her, and under certain circumstances, she'll let you sniff it.
Which, personally, I find rather delightful, if perhaps just a tiny bit evil.
Two Hundred Brands Of Cookies, 87 Kinds Of Chocolate Chip
Mid August is presenting me with quite the conundrum.
On the same weekend (August 15, 16, 17) I have invitations to three major events: A commitment ceremony on Vancouver Island; my 30-year high school reunion; and a birthday party for a good friend.
And of course each choice carries its own unique set of pluses and minuses.
For the commitment ceremony, I'd have to get my passport renewed, and travel quite a distance, which these days given the price of gas is no small matter. But they're a very nice couple, and it would probably be huge fun - and it's Canada, so what-the-hey.
I'm less enthusiastic about the reunion; I haven't really kept in contact with anyone I knew in high school, and the 25th reunion was sort of depressing only in the way that going back to your "hometown" and trying to briefly reconnect with people you not only haven't seen since graduation, but many of who are still stuck in the town you couldn't wait to leave, can be. On the other hand, it would give me a chance to get home for a brief visit with family, and wouldn't require as much travel as the commitment ceremony.
Choice number three is the toughest, because it would involve no travel whatsoever, and the birthday girl is one of my best friends.
So, I'm in a quandry. Obviously, I can only attend one of these functions, so I'm just going to have to make a choice and hope those on the losing end will understand (which, I believe, for the most part they will).
But still, it would have been nice - from a purely selfish perspective - if these could have been spread out a little bit.
First off, my deepest appreciation to all of you - near and far, friends and complete strangers - who've offered your condolences on my recent loss. I can't begin to express what a solace it's been, hearing both your kind words and stories of your own pets. Things are getting better, day by day, and much of the transition back to normality is thanks to all of you.
Oh yeah, life goes on.
Speaking of which, congratulations are in order to my friends John and Brynn who tied the knot this weekend. We hosted a pre-nuptual cabaret for them at the theatre on Friday, and then attended a beautiful ceremony-in-the-park across from their apartment on Saturday. My photos can be found here, and here, and no doubt more will be appearing in various and sundry places on-line very soon.
I'm also in the middle of assistant-directing the next production for Annex, which has also proven to be a welcome distraction these past few days.
And, to top off the positive news from the week: the show I proposed for next season, that was accepted, then scratched due to scheduling conflicts with the playwright, is now back on the season schedule (due to tremendous effort on the part of the playwright to resolve the conflicts, and thanks to a very generous Company for reconsidering the proposal), as well as announced on the web site, so I can now officially spill the beans:
October 17 - November 15 The Moon Is A Dead World (World Premiere) written by Mike Daisey, directed by Chris Comte
This first play by acclaimed monologuist Mike Daisey ("21 Dog Years", "Monopoly", "How Theater Failed America") weaves a vision of the brutal history of the Soviet space program with an unbelievable premise: a dead cosmonaut is called back down to Earth on a radio wave when Americans in a remote Arctic base hear the beating of his dying heart. A dark and hilarious fairy tale set against the Cold War, it asks what we risk in the struggle between will and humanity, and what it means to love beyond death itself.
The sharper-eyed among you will note this follows close on the heels of the current production; more specifically, interlace closes August 30th, and my first reading for "Moon" is September 1st, meaning - my summer is now officially shot.
Not that I'm complaining, mind you, but it basically boils down to not getting a break between now and the middle of October; I'm already starting the process of assembling a production team, and I'll need to hold auditions in early/mid July in order to see people before they start booking their fall productions. I've already sent a few inquiries out along both channels, and have some good people expressing interest - thankfully, Mike himself is a very good hook, and I'm going to play that for all it's worth (as he would no doubt encourage).
So, exciting times, much distraction, and plenty to do for now.
